I never thought I’d be a good parent. I always loved kids and wanted to spend time with them, but it was easy to have fun and be the “cool Aunt” when I could leave and not have the pressure of raising them.
The second I found out I was pregnant with Nova, the anxiety started. The pressure of being solely (in my mind) responsible for a child became overwhelming. I had Eric and I knew he was going to be an incredible dad and partner, but I did not feel fit nor capable of guiding a child through the roller coaster of life. When I am in life changing situations I tend to doubt my abilities, a lot. I did not know how I could protect them and teach them to be good people.
Anxiety in general is not easy to identify or define. Postpartum anxiety adds a whole new level of confusion due to the added hormones. Everyone goes through ups and downs and has a hard time handling certain things, so it is easy to brush it off as hormones or a normal part of life.
I started having thoughts that would prompt me into protective mode.
Double check the brake on the stroller, what if it rolled into the street? You’d never forgive yourself.
Thoughts like these were every day, all day. I thought I was the only one that could protect her. I thought I was the only one that was constantly thinking about her well being, so I had to stay on top of it at all times.
I then started feeling guilty because of a few comments from people about how attentive I was, that they were never “that good of a mom” and how I “needed to relax”. So, I started burying my protective feelings and tried to approach things in different ways. Then, I started beating myself up that my gut was telling me to protect my baby but I was trying to appease people. This ended in not addressing a huge issue at Nova’s prior daycare, head on, because I didn’t want to come across as “that mom”. It created a storm that I didn’t know how to remedy.
This was odd because confidence has always been a part of my being, a natural part. I am not sure where it stems from, but it has always been there, so when anxiety started kicking in I had no idea what it was and figured it was part of motherhood. It doesn’t have to be, and I am still learning that.
You are not alone; you are not weak
There were many times I felt alone. Are you feeling alone? Why are you feeling alone? Are you creating it because you sink into yourself and shut everyone out when you are feeling anxious? I have done that.
Motherhood can be a very lonely place if you do not reach out. Add anxiety to that title, and it can be debilitating.
Postpartum Anxiety can be overwhelming. I have always had very high expectations of myself, and in motherhood I expect no less. I need to be present. I need to teach them adversity. I want to show them love. Yes, this is all possible, but you don’t need to beat yourself into the ground to do it. If you are so busy only fulfilling these expectations you start to feel lonely. You need to find balance and control that anxiety before it controls you.
You are not perfect and you are not meant to do this alone.
Be real and talk about it. Everyone has their own demons that they battle, and keeping them hidden doesn’t make you any better than the next person. I gravitate toward real people who drop their pride and that is one of the reasons I love Liz Marie Galven so much. If you need inspiration in many areas, especially anxiety, follow her journey.
A few weeks ago I chatted with a close friend of mine about motherhood and anxiety. She wanted to know if what she was feeling was normal because she felt a little crazy. She is the farthest thing from crazy, and I truly believe those who love deep struggle with anxiety. It made both of us better by sharing our stories.
Postpartum Anxiety and Yoga
Yoga has been a part of my life for so many years, but I have never experienced the full benefits until after becoming a mom. I never soaked in savasana and I never identified an intention for each practice until after becoming a mom. Yoga became a therapy of such for me. It taught me more than physically challenging positions; it taught me quiet.
After Nova, I was a first time mom and I was in a very stressful job that I did not enjoy. I worked out regularly, spent as much time with my family and friends as I could but I was still overwhelmed and stressed. Yoga of course came to mind. I have always tried to focus on controlling what I can control and doing it in the most natural and healthy way possible. It always seemed to help me slow down so I figured I’d add it as a staple to my workout schedule, hoping it may help my postpartum anxiety.
I joined Mojo Fit Studios when Nova was 10 months old and though I had practiced regularly for years through our gym, it was nothing like joining a studio. The studio allowed for deeper exploration of the benefits of Yoga and helped me focus on the meaningful parts of Yoga. It helped me stay a lot more present in my choices and thoughts. It saved my sanity to say the least and I will always be grateful to Ashley, KJ and Jessica for what they have done for me.
When was the last time you actually sat still and thought about nothing or just one positive thing for an hour? It is hard, it may seem hokey, but it is oh so incredible for your health. Yoga truly was the way I beat postpartum anxiety without medication and it continues to help me deal with daily anxiety as well.
Postpartum Anxiety and Intuition
God gave you intuition. The easiest way for me to describe and understand intuition is a feeling in your gut that you cannot shake to which there is no logical explanation.
When Nova was 18 months old her daycare provider called us and said she thought Nova was getting sick. I went and picked her up right away. The second I saw her I knew something was wrong but my head kept telling my heart “she’s fine”. I took her home and my gut just kept saying something is really wrong. I put on one of her favorite shows and gave her a cracker to see if she would eat, thinking if she wouldn’t eat her favorite cracker then she was sick.
As she tried to pick up the cracker she used her right hand, when she always used her left and I watched as she cradled her left arm. Immediately I knew something was wrong with her arm, though, her daycare never mentioned anything happening. I questioned daycare and they said nothing happened. I blamed myself for acting crazy with postpartum anxiety, trusted daycare, and ignored my gut. I didn’t want them to think I was “that mom”.
2 days later she ended up with a high fever and still wasn’t using her arm like normal so we took her into the ER. She had broken 2 bones in her wrist, unexplained on top of a throat infection. Unfortunately, there is even more to this story that I will share at another time…
This taught me a valuable lesson about postpartum anxiety and intuition. Though you may struggle with anxiety, your gut still knows the truth. Your head can play games and trick you into thinking you are just crazy but do not dismiss your feelings.
Acknowledge your feelings then work through reasoning them with someone you love and trust.
Your feelings are not choices, but your thoughts are. You can affect your feelings by controlling your thoughts. If you find yourself in a situation that isn’t truly making sense, or giving you anxiety, analyze your thoughts and the facts. Share those thoughts with a loved one and it will help you understand if you should take action or if it is postpartum anxiety speaking.
If I had shared the facts:
- Nova was cradling her arm
- Daycare asked me to pick her up because they thought she was sick
along with my feelings:
- My gut was telling me something was wrong
- She seemed different
I could have then made a better decision based off of that instead of allowing my anxiety to make the decision for me. We would have gone to the doctor that night and ultimately would have avoided a lot of turmoil.
Postpartum anxiety is different for everyone and you must grant yourself grace because what you endure through pregnancy and after is intense. Your feelings are legitimate and you need to acknowledge them. Once you acknowledge them, your life will change.
Have you struggled with anxiety or postpartum anxiety? Please share your story with me.
Always in love,
