There is a medium sized blue storage box in our basement labeled “Angel”. It is very old and has quite a bit of dirt on it which shows how much I open it and truthfully, I have no idea why I still have it. My parents bought it when I was a child, gave it to me and told me to put anything in there that I felt was important. If you tell a child in grade school that, you can only imagine what you’ll find in it. It contains 50% drawings, stories, graded papers and the other 50% is full of medals and participation ribbons. Participation ribbons. Yes, I saved those, let that soak in. The ribbons that all 80’s children received just for showing up and taking part in any and all activities. The activities where no one was a winner, no one was a loser and we all lived in a happy marshmallow world where no one got their feelings hurt. What a treasure, you better hold onto those, Angel.
I have been out of high school for almost 15 years and the minimalist in me wonders what in the world I’m keeping that box for. That was until the other day when I was endearingly looking at my 3 year old daughter. I was beaming with pride as I watched her trace her letters. She would mess up and say “That’s ok, I’ll just do it again, no biggie” as she wiped it off and tried again and again. She did her best to not feel discouraged and kept trying. She seemed so proud of herself and would giggle and shrug if she did it wrong, and I thought to myself “If she was given a participation ribbon, would she lose motivation to try?” Yes, I’m an over thinker sometimes…what can you do. However, knowing her personality, I knew what that would do to her mindset, because she is motivated by trying to do and become better. I don’t ever want her to be given a participation ribbon. I want her to know perfection doesn’t exist, to accept that but to also know we can always BE better.
Oh my gosh you’re such a mean mom! How can you want your child to be hurt like that?
Oh, honey. I don’t. No good mom wants their child to hurt, but life will hurt them. I do not want to protect her from challenges. I want to coach her through them. Notice, a few sentences ago I did not say we can DO better, I said BE better. We can always be a better person.
- She will experience loss. Her best friend will make a new friend and want nothing to do with her anymore.
- Her teacher will give her a grade she doesn’t think she deserves.
- Someone will be able to run faster or dance better than her.
I want both of my kids to learn that these things will happen, but they will only discourage you if you allow them to. You have the power to allow your situation to rule you, or you can rule your situation.
The only way you develop an attitude of resilience is by experiencing life. If you are cushioning your child from challenges, life will be debilitating for them. It is important for them to learn how to navigate their way through issues they face, and it starts at a very young age. Problem solving is an essential skill to develop in order to succeed in life.
Knox was standing behind a chair this weekend and he kept trying to reach through the spokes to get a much desired toy phone he wanted to hold. I was in front of the chair playing with a pony (shocker I know) with Nova. You could see in his face he was getting incredibly frustrated and I watched as he paced between the different spokes trying so hard to figure out how to get the toy phone through them. He is 13 months old and he spent a good 2 to 3 minutes analyzing it. He finally reached through the spokes with both hands, when previously he was only using one hand, and turned the phone sideways so it could fit through. He squeeled with excitement as he hugged the phone up to his neck and waddled away. It was adorable and so incredible to watch.
At least ten times I wanted to just hand him the toy phone, especially when he got frustrated. It is not by instinct that I watched him figure it out. It was hard and I was by him saying “are you figuring that out buddy?! You can do it!” He did. On his own, with encouragement from Nova and me. I consciously have to hold myself back sometimes, for the betterment of them and their self esteem. It is not an easy task as a mom who just wants to protect them and see them happy.
Rewards for participation do not align with what I want my children to learn about life. Life is not easy, for anyone. Situations arise that you will have to know how to handle with little or no direction. It is essential that they are able to face those situations in a healthy way and navigate through them.
There is a fine line between teaching them to navigate through problems but not making them feel alone.
We prioritize teaching them these skills but we are also very aware to not foster a feeling of loneliness. They are never alone, they have an army with them and I want to make sure they know that. Yes, they are young, but they learn and develop at an incredible rate and you can never start teaching too young.
Like most parents, we empathize and encourage them on a daily basis. We choose to encourage them after they have accomplished something they seem excited about by asking:
“How did that make you feel when you did that?”
If they don’t know, we ask:
“You seem so happy! Does that make you feel proud of yourself?”
It is incredible what this does for a child’s confidence. They don’t always understand their feelings, they just know they have them and when we show that we understand they feel loved.
Feeling understood is profound and that is what I want for my children.
Typically, when Nova goes to bed at night she takes a final drink of water before we go upstairs. The other night we had forgotten and were already in her room ready to read and she said she needed a drink. I told her to go get her water bottle off the counter, take a drink and come right back up so she could get to bed. She said ok mom and disappeared.
I heard quite a bit of noise downstairs but forced myself to sit and wait for her and within a couple minutes she came up the stairs saying “I got a drink mom. I couldn’t find my Water bottle but it was in the fridge. I’m ready for my book now!”
A little concerned I asked her how she got it from the fridge without help. She said:
“I just opened the freezer, stepped in there, then opened the fridge and reached over and took a drink.”
Knowing that it seemed almost impossible for a 3 year old to do that, I took her downstairs to show me what she did. I stood back as she showed me what she did. She had done exactly what she had said and we proceeded to have a discussion about how amazing it was that she was able to figure out how to get her water bottle without help. I then clarified it was dangerous to climb into the freezer and she could also potentially break it so from now on that she should go get her bathroom stool from down the hall and use that instead. She was so proud of herself and responded:
”Ok mom, no problem. I will use my stool next time.”
Witnessing your children able to navigate through, what could be perceived as ‘problems’, is so rewarding. Making sure they are aware that you are there to empathize, support and walk through their situations with them will boost their confidence like not much else will.
I want them to know they are capable of accomplishing and overcoming anything. How can I do that if I don’t step back and let them experience adversity?
