I was sitting at work waiting for Matt to show up for his shift. He was never late. He always showed up early and would give me a hard time if I were even a few minutes late. I set everything up and waited. I finally decided to look at my phone and then I realized there was a voicemail I hadn’t yet listened to and a missed call from him. It was a call from 3am. Immediately my heart dropped. I frantically listened to the voicemail and it was him mumbling that he had gone in the ditch and needed help. I hung up halfway through the message and called him over and over again. He didn’t pick up.

Finally, after what felt like hours he called me back and said he would be there soon and that he was ok, that his cousin was dropping him off. He apologized for being late and proceeded to tell me he went in the ditch and had to walk a couple miles to get help. It was the middle of winter, in North Dakota. I got upset and told him he needed to be more careful. He of course made one of his well known jokes

“oh, you just love me so much don’t you?!”

I rolled my eyes and said “you’re such an idiot, just friggen be careful.”

He changed the topic and started blaring Lonely by Akon and danced around the store because he couldn’t handle how “serious” I was being. Typical Matt.

A few months later he moved to Fargo and we were planning on attending our Company event out of state together that coming weekend. I decided to spend some time with my young siblings before I took off on the trip so they were at my apartment. My roommate was holding my infant brother and we were laughing at one of his new silly tricks. Eric’s phone rang and after a few minutes he came out of the room like he had just seen a ghost and instead of asking him what was going on, oddly I said “watch this, it’s so cute!”

Eric grabbed my arm and said

“Angel…sit down. I have to tell you something.”

I sat down saying “what the heck Eric, what’s going on?”

“Matt passed away.”

I said “Matt who?”

He tilted his head to the side and said “Angel…Matt…” and stared at me waiting for me to realize what he was saying.

I jumped up. I started pacing and raising my voice as tears started to roll down my face.

“No he didn’t. What? What do you mean? He’s not gone, I need to go see him. I’m going to go see him. I’m going to work.”

I walked out of the apartment as I started calling him…over…and over again.

It all was a blur.

I walked into our work and walked by all the customers, into the back room and fell against the wall. I kept repeating out loud “Matt is gone” as if saying it out loud would make sense of it. I had no idea what I was doing or saying. Emily came back and asked me what is going on. Through tears and confusion I kept repeating Matt died, and she couldn’t understand. She tried to slow me down, asked me a million questions. asked me to explain and I couldn’t.

I eventually made it back to my apartment. I don’t remember much about the rest of that day or those next few weeks. I remember not believing it and needing to call his phone just to hear his voice in his voicemail. I remembered one of the last things he told me, so stupid, so trivial but now etched in my memory. He wanted me to set up a date between one of my friends and him, but then he got too nervous like he always did and didn’t want to go through with it.

Sometimes in life you are lucky enough to meet people that truly impact the direction of your life. Matt would have been 36 this month. I can only imagine he would have landed himself a beautiful brunette and have a few gingers running around cracking sarcastic jokes, making everyone laugh.

It has been almost 13 years since I saw him last, and I still can hardly believe it. He was only 23 years old.

It was always his goal to make people happy. He befriended everyone, so many people were deeply affected by his passing. He cared about people, so deeply and so genuinely. He was one of those rare friends you find that you hold on tightly to. When my family, for lack of a better word ‘disowned’ me due to my poor choices in life, he was there. He knew my pain. He was always up front and in my face when I did something stupid. He never minced words and as angry as I was at him some times, I loved him for it. At that point, he was the only man I had ever had in my life that stood up for me, and not against me. He was one of the best friends I could have ever asked for.

He always knew I never wanted to get married…but one of the best things he ever did for me was when he told me

“you and Eazy E would be perfect together, you two should date”

and I told him he was insane, that I didn’t think that would ever happen. Of course, immediately after saying that he made his frequent comment (which he’d kill me for putting in permanent ink)

“Then you have to hook me up with your sister and we will both live happily ever after.”

‘Eazy E’ has now been my husband for almost 11 years. Matt told me I needed to choose better guys and treat myself better, because I deserved better. It annoyed me. He was right though, and I will always be grateful for his honesty. It’s a rare thing to find an honest and steadfast friend like him…and losing that changed me.

I learned a lot of things through all of the loss I have experienced, especially losing Matt and I hope sharing this will help comfort anyone experiencing or struggling with loss.

You will never get over it

You eventually learn to accept it. I never wanted to accept it. I became very unhealthy because I had no idea how to cope. I was very self destructive because I could not pull myself out of the sadness. I laid in bed one night, crying and telling Eric I just didn’t know what to do anymore. I didn’t want to feel that pain anymore. I didn’t want to wake up in the middle of the night anymore thinking it was all a nightmare and then have to remind myself it wasn’t. I was grieving but I was also in a deep depression and I had no idea. For the first time in my life I was introduced to anti-depressants. I had to fight the depression with medication in order to get to the other side of the grief. I had to realize it would take years to learn to accept that I would never see him again here on earth and that I won’t ever be the same, and that is ok.

I haven’t gotten over it. Some days it feels like it just happened, and other days I can share jokes with Eric like I’ve truly accepted it. I will never get over it. My biggest fear my whole life has been to lose someone I love and I have lost many. I love very deep, and I’d do anything for those I love, so when one is taken it is earth shattering. I have grown to realize that I don’t have to expect anything of myself in those times, and to allow myself grace to move through it in the healthiest way for me.

You never have to get over losing someone that was so dear to you, so do not expect that of yourself. They were here, they mattered.

Talk about them

If you don’t talk about them, it’s like they were never here and that is even more painful than sharing a story that makes you sob. I kept a lot hidden and did not want to talk about it for fear of that bringing me down further. Little did I know that once I actually started talking about it, and sharing the stories, I started to feel better. I started thinking “if I died, what would I want?” and I realized I would want everyone to continue laughing and sharing silly stories about me. I would want to be remembered. No one wants to be forgotten.

I always wished I had shared a story at Matt’s wake. I had the perfect one. He locked the door at Sprint (where we worked) for the night and was standing at the door while I was closing my computer down. He all of a sudden turned on ridiculously loud music and turned around and started singing it. He took off running toward me and the counter in front of me and jumped up onto it and broke it. I have never laughed so hard in my life. His reaction was beyond. He frantically searched for a way to fix it and begged me not to tell anyone…then I reminded him it didn’t matter because there were cameras and our boss was going to know either way. I love knowing I’m embarrassing him in Heaven by sharing this here; too bad buddy!

Share those stories, embarrass them even if they aren’t here, keep their memory alive.

It is ok, to not be ok

Too many times in life we put expectations on ourselves that aren’t fair. When you are grieving, you should have very minimal expectations of yourself. If you shower, great. If you eat, great. If you take care of your kids, perfect. If you are doing the necessary things to keep yourself and your loved ones healthy, that is all that matters.

You deserve to allow yourself to just be.

You don’t have to be ok.

You are allowed to be, to feel, to digest this new, unfamiliar life.

Feel everything and walk through the storm as slowly as you need to and remind yourself it is ok to not be ok. You will laugh again. You will feel joy. Most importantly, know that they will want that for you when that day comes.

Trust your loved ones when you are grieving

When we are experiencing deep pain it is hard to see through it or to even believe there will ever be relief. If Eric had not suggested I talk to a doctor, I never would have. I had never experienced depression before. I didn’t know that is what I was experiencing until he told me I was scaring him, and he was worried about me. I had no idea how to function or to accept this new life without one of my best friends. I loved working but I stopped showing up. I stopped doing anything but partying and sleeping. It was painful and I am grateful that he loved me enough to tell me he wanted me to get help.

Even if you aren’t at the point where you need help medically to make it through, trust your loved ones. Grief does weird things to people and a lot of the times we just aren’t seeing clearly. If they suggest you take a day off, do it. Whatever they suggest in a healthy supportive way, listen. It doesn’t mean you have to take their advice, but listen and trust them.

Allow the loss to help you grow into someone they would be proud of

Loss changes people, it is inevitable. However, it is not inevitable that it changes you for the worse, turns you bitter or resentful. Once you have worked your way through the grief you have to make that choice.

It took me a while to grieve and then I made the choice that I was going to turn the pain of loss into fuel for success. I knew Matt had introduced me to an area I was great in, so I focused there. We had ended up working together because he had told his boss about me and that I would be a perfect addition to their sales team. I knew nothing about sales and I couldn’t believe he did that. He told me I didn’t need to know anything about sales, that I had the personality for it and he had no doubt I’d be successful. I trusted him so I took a job there and never looked back. It shocked me, because he was right. I killed it.

After he passed, I knew I couldn’t allow the loss to affect my success because that would have killed him. I knew I had to focus on becoming better and doing better for people with my knowledge.

I often think of what his reaction would be knowing I am now a Sales Trainer…

I’m sure it would be

“I taught her everything she knows”

with a quick follow up of…

“totally kidding, she taught me everything I know.”

He believed in me when no one did.

He stood by me and up for me when I had no one.

He lifted my spirits when I should have been lifting his.

I was lucky to call him a friend…even if the last message he sent me…hours before his death…was yet another sarcastic jab

With love I say to you, I’ll get you back one day, my friend.