5 ways to prioritize yourself without guilt

Richard Simmons and Jane Fonda are my first memories of exercise. My mom used to get all done up in leggings, knee high socks, a leotard and a sweet headband and break a sweat daily as I was growing up. She had her step stool and all her tapes laid out and would pick a different one each day. My sister and I would mimick her and giggle. We loved it.

I look back now, in my 30s, married with two small kids, a full time job, a side business, and I realize how much effort that took and how incredible that was. Though my mom did not work outside the home most of my childhood, her and my dad ran a large farm and ranch. She was always running somewhere and had 4 young kids and 3 more young ones years later. She was super mom. Nope, I’m not biased at all.

I knew if I ever had kids, like most parents, I wanted to be conscious of positively influencing them with my behavior. I mean this in so many ways but a high priority one is in regards to health. I want to teach them self-love and that it is healthy to prioritize yourself, your needs and values. I want them to learn lifelong habits when they are young so they do not struggle with what I deem to be unnecessary things. I have often found myself wondering why is it so hard for adults to prioritize themselves, their families, or their goals?

Guilt. Ahh…that’s it. You useless emotion, you. The killer of self-love and prioritizing yourself is guilt. We all know guilt is an energy killer, a soul sucking & self love destroyer.

So, why do we allow guilt?

In my own life I’ve narrowed it down to 2 reasons:

• I ‘forgot’ what my goals are, WHY I have them, and how my decisions are leading me to them
• My current choices are not aligning with my goals

I had a conversation with my friend recently about guilt and how no matter which way she turned she felt guilty. She is married, works full time and has young children. A lot of young children, as you all know, get sick often. She wanted to take time off to care for them and felt guilty leaving her employer and coworkers without her. I empathized, I’ve been there. The guilt is real, if you allow it.

I shared with her what I do in those moments and why I think it is important to remind yourself of a few things and put them into perspective. When I feel guilt creeping up, I remind myself of these things and it helps me regain control of my thoughts. The Secret, one of my favorite books, teaches you how controlling your thoughts is one of the most beneficial things you can learn how to do, I highly recommend it. (Invest in a gratitude journal as well, and write in it every day.) Otherwise, I find it all too easy to slip into the deep trap of the useless emotion known as guilt.

1. What is your end goal?

Are you feeling guilty about missing work because your child is sick? Are you attending a yoga class but missing an hour with your kids? Are you taking a much-needed vacation and using paid time off during a busy time at work? Regardless of what is going on, you need to remind yourself of your end goal. If you have lost site of it, you are going to be easily pulled into guilt.

2. Is your current decision aligning with your end goal?

If your end goal is to prioritize your family and you are missing work due to sick children – that decision aligns. If you are desiring a healthy lifestyle and modeling a great example for your children, and attending a workout class – that decision aligns. If you are prioritizing a more balanced life and taking a paid vacation, during a busy time at work – that decision aligns. Be careful not to muddy your decisions or over analyze them. If you have strong values most of the time your decisions are black and white when it comes to your priorities. Your kids are sick – you take work off because you want to be with them plain and simple.

3. Be present. “Wherever you are, be all there.” Jim Elliott

It seems simple. It may even seem easy to some people, but for me, this is very hard. Sometimes, I have to completely eliminate any distraction to focus on the present moment. I am always trying to accomplish any and everything, and it is not possible. What matters is now, this moment right here. I have experienced the pressures of being an employee, business owner, wife, and a mother, and have frequently had them intersect. At some difficult points I have had to make a conscious effort to truly be at work when I’m at work, and to truly be with my family and children when I’m with them. I have been guilty of receiving an email in the middle of a conversation with my husband or children and getting distracted. I remind myself of that phrase every time I am pulled to do something else or be somewhere else and instead I choose to be present. Had I not been present, I would have missed my adorable (again not biased at all) daughter wanting to water her rose bush but wear her baby with our makeshift blanket carrier. As she then wanted to go on a little stroll hand in hand and telling me “I need to go talk to the neighbor, John. I need to see what he’s doing.”

If you aren’t present you aren’t accomplishing anything, instead it is counter productive. You are with your children because you want to be but you aren’t truly there because you’re responding to an email or text. Be present. I remind myself of this daily because what do my goals matter if I’m not present in the daily moments? If you are present, and appreciative of those moments, like the time you get to spend with your sick child, guilt is nonexistent. If you are present when you work out you are able to relieve stress then return home and are fully present there and engaged, you’ve eliminated the power guilt has over you.

4. Communicate. 

I am a firm believer that there is no such thing as over communication. I try to communicate thoroughly with anyone that may be involved or affected by my decisions. My boss, he clearly knows what I’m doing when I’m doing it and it is not due to micromanagement on his part, quite the contrary. I choose to openly communicate because I want to avoid any potential issues. My husband and I discuss our schedules every week on Sunday: workouts, work functions, kid activities, family activities, friends, errands and anything that can help our week go smoothly. This allows us to align our weekly decisions to help each other achieve our individual and family goals. Overkill? Not in my book! Our household runs smoothly and yet, spontaneously, because the high priority things are planned and communicated well, which allows all of us to relax and enjoy the spur of the moment decisions together that create such special memories. The “big stuff” is taken care of and now we get to just be. If you have thoroughly communicated everything, it eliminates the potential guilt that can sneakily creep in.

5. Stop comparing.

In every sense of the statement, stop comparing. Stop comparing how much time you spend at the gym to the next person. Stop comparing what you are feeding your kids to what other parents are feeding their kids. Stop comparing how many hours you spend at work to your coworkers. Stop comparing your house to your neighbors house. Stop. Comparison is guilt’s best friend. How many times have you fed your baby formula and sat next to a mom that was breast feeding and felt guilty? Stop it. How many times have you skipped the gym because you didn’t have the energy and felt the need to justify your decision to someone? Stop. You deserve to be treated better than that.

How much more happiness would you experience if you allowed yourself to be free of guilt?

Identify your goals, make decisions to lead you toward them and allow yourself an abundance of happiness as it was truly meant for you!